we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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