Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
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Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
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Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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