WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
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We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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