I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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