you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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