I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
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You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
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And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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