I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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