She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
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Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
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I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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