everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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