My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
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I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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