I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
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He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
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rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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