Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
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Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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