my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
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Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
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So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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