I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
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Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize