OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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