So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
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Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
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As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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