zippers are such a cool invention
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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