I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
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I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
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What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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