You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
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It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
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Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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