Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
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All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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