I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
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I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
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you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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