I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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