When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
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