You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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