guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
