Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
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in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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