I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
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Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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