2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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