I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
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Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
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hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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