I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
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We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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