Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I think I won the penis lottery.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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