if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
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Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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