I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
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She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
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Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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