Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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