my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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