I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
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this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
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The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
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