I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
