i jhust puked up my retainher.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
