My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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