she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
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i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
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The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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