Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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