***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
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Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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