I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
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I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
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I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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