DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
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AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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