it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
