Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
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I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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