All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
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That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
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I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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