Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
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You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
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Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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