I love black thongs
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
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Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
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He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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