just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize